A Year Later

June 6, 2010

I went back on track this week and it is like we never went off track. It was nice to be back with the students. They are well behaved and want to learn. They just need to be reminded of that every now and then.

Wednesday was Marie’s graduation. It was very nice. Principal Hicks did a wonderful job in organizing the very well orchestrated ceremony. I thought it was nice. Marie texted me during the ceremony, wondering if mom would be ok if she gave a big thumbs up when she crossed the stage. I told her that would be cool. She did and the lady told her to put her hands down. Oh well, it was fun for Marie. She looked so good in her white gown. Thursday she went with her group of friends up to a cabin at Bear Lake. One of the parents teaches with me at Elk Meadows. She asked me if I would bring my boat up. I told her I would, but they called me Friday night and said it was too cold so I ended up not going. She will be home on Monday. Then in a couple of weeks she will be heading to BYU.

Savanna went back to school this week to get ready for her kids on Monday. She is looking forward to going back. Next year she will be teaching 3rd grade at Bennion Elementary. She is excited to have a traditional schedule. We went to dinner this week while Marie was gone. It is nice to be with her she is so pleasant, however when I asked her about feelings she didn’t want to talk about it so we went for ice cream and just enjoyed the nice weather.

We were also happy to have Grandma and Grandpa Heywood join us for Marie’s graduation. Jill Hansen also came up and brought Rachel and baby Kate with her. My parents also came to the graduation ceremony. The Heywoods left immediately after to ceremony to get back to St. George. Dad had a meeting, so Mom and me and the girls and Savanna’s friend from Jacob Lake, Cameron joined us for dinner at Sweet Tomatoes.

Yesterday I spent the entire day working in the flower beds around the house. I have left them for too long and there were a number of weeds. It was nice weather to be working in the yard not too hot but sun shining and good shade from the trees. We have a couple of woodpeckers pecking a nest into the front tree. It is interesting to watch. They take turns and they have made incredible progress. It reminded me of how Jolene and I used to work together to be parents of our kids and take care of things around the house.

It has been almost a year. I think about it all the time. I often think about her last Saturday on this Earth. Today I think about her last Sunday. It was on Sunday where she uttered her last out loud words. Evans and I were in the bedroom talking to her. She was struggling to talk. It took a lot of energy. She was having a hard time. Finally she said she loved me and “now please go away so I can sleep”. She was awake and asleep for the next few days but she didn’t say anything else. Her muscles were shutting down from the inside and she didn’t have the strength. The last day of her life was Wednesday. She slept most of the day. Around 2 in the afternoon she woke up and looked at me. She didn’t say anything but she looked into my eyes and I could tell she was saying goodbye. There is a form of communication between husbands and wives that is real, and often times you can tell what the other is thinking without saying anything out loud. In her gaze she was saying I love you and goodbye. Then she went back to panting and breathing until she took her last breath.

Her breathing all day had been very labored like she was running a marathon. I was talking to her while she slept. The nurses say that hearing is the last sense to go so I was talking to her a lot. One of the things I told her was that her race was finished and she could stop running. I was in the room when she took her last breath. Her labored breathing suddenly became calmer. She slowed down like she was finally catching her breath. And the last couple of minutes she acted like she was slowing down. Her last breath was not labored or desperate. It was relaxing like she could finally rest. It was peaceful to me. I continued to watch her for another minute or so to see if she was just pausing in her breathing. I wanted to hold her hand, but the nurses said that sometimes will interrupt the death process. So I just stood over her and whispered I love you my babes.

The thought never occurred to me to jump on her and administer CPR to try to bring her back. Later on I have felt a little bit of guilt over that like maybe I should have, but as I have thought about it over the last year, I know Jolene would have been mad at me if I brought her back only so she would have to die again. Lastly I went quietly into the other room to tell everybody else. I should have told my girls first, but I just blurted it out to everyone. We spent some time with her body and had a family prayer while we waited for the hospice nurse and the mortuary to come and pick her up. I only made a couple of phone calls. I let everyone else do that.

At that moment in time I thought the worst was over, and it was for Jolene, but I have since discovered how hard it is to continue on after her passing. This past year has been the worst year of my life. The pain of losing her never goes away and it never diminishes. I let my hair grow out this past year as a symbol of my inner grief and anger. It reminds me that I am progressing everyday even though I can’t feel it or notice it. My hair is quite long now and drives me crazy and it looks horrible. I can’t wait to cut it. People ask me how this year has gone and I tell them that it feels like I have come far, but it still hurts like it happened yesterday. I am just as lonely and sad today as yesterday. I miss her terribly!
Ron